Alone
by Lucy H
Summary: [Holby City] Ed can't believe that Tom left him.


Alone, all alone  
Nobody, but nobody  
Can make it out here alone

— Maya Angelou

Ed barely waited for Ric and Diane to finish speaking. He felt as though he was on the verge of tears – and he couldn't let Diane and Ric see him crying. Not over something as small as this. But to him, it wasn't small. Tom was his best friend, and he had left without saying goodbye. He hadn't even mentioned that he was considering going to America with Anita. From what Ed had heard over the past week, he had thought that the two of them had broken up. All Tom had said over the past week was "Anita's so unreasonable", "Anita's so annoying", "I'm trying to do the best for her and she won't listen"… And now Ric was saying that Tom had gone to New York with her.

They'd only been going out for a few weeks… no more than a month, surely. It was very risky, to suddenly up sticks and move halfway across the world with a woman that he'd only known for a month. Ed had learnt the hard way that women… well, more often than not, they weren't worth the risk. But you only ever found that out after what happened, had happened. It was unfair.

He didn't want Tom to get hurt. For some reason, he felt oddly protective of Tom. It was weird – Tom was his boss, he was older than him, but still… for so long, Tom had relied on Ed, especially over his alcoholism. And it wasn't that Ed felt that Tom would fall apart without him – nothing like that, he would probably be better off with Anita, who, as a psychiatrist, doubtless knew more about this sort of thing. No, it was that Ed liked feeling that someone relied on him.

And not only that. Tom had helped him out an awful lot. If it hadn't been for Tom, Ed would never have seen Amanda. He would never even have known that Chrissie had gone into labour. Maybe Amanda wasn't his daughter, maybe Chrissie wasn't his lover, but it had meant so much to Ed that he had seen the baby, that he had touched her hand, he had been present when she was born. No one had expected or allowed Ed to grieve. He hadn't expected himself to grieve. He hadn't wanted to allow it. But it had happened, and it had been Tom that he had spoken to about it. And Tom, like a best friend should, had listened, and hadn't judged Ed for feeling that way about a baby that had not really been his.

And they told each other everything, because they were friends. Or at least, that was what Ed had thought. He had told Tom everything, there was nothing about him that Tom didn't know – he knew he love he had had for Chrissie, the guilt he had felt every time he saw Owen, about the irrational crush he had on Diane, the annoyance that he felt every time Alex entered the room, and how much he wished, prayed, that Amanda had been his child – and lived.

And, in turn, Tom had told him about Marty, about his father, about his alcoholism, and about his feelings for Anita, how he fancied her, how she was playing games with him, how she loved him, how he wanted to do the best for her, how he wanted her to stay but he knew that she never would. Anita. It all came back to Anita.

How long had they been planning this? Were they really in love? Was it even true? Was Ric lying? Had Tom left his position as clinical director? Why hadn't he said anything? Ed's mind filled with questions, questions that would have to stay unanswered. Because he couldn't answer them. And it was doubtful that Tom would.

"Are you alright?" Anita asked Tom, anxiously. They were sitting in the apartment she had rented, surrounded by her suitcases.

"I'm fine."

She studied his face. "You're not having doubts?"

He smiled at her. "Of course not. I was just thinking."

"What about?"

"The people we left behind."

Anita sat back, disgustedly. "Do you mean Diane Lloyd?"

"No I don't. I was thinking about Ed, actually." Tom's tone was slightly haughty; annoyed that Anita didn't seem to trust him.

The look that Anita gave him was almost laughable. "Do I have competition?"

"You know, for a psychiatrist, you are surprisingly gifted in getting the wrong end of the stick."

"Thank you. So, who's Ed?"

"You know who Ed is. Ed Keating, my registrar…"

Anita nodded. "The guy with the… nose? The one who follows you around like a puppy?"

Tom laughed. "The nose I can understand, but a puppy?"

"Just making an observation." She took his hand in hers. "So, why are you thinking about him?"

"I don't think that he'll be too pleased that I've gone without saying anything to him."

She stood up. "Call him."

"My phone won't work in America."

"Use mine. You call him." She threw her phone onto the sofa. "Just don't talk too long, I'm the one who has to pay the bill."

"I won't." He smiled. "Thanks, Anita. I really appreciate this."

"Good," she replied. "I'm going to try and find a shop where I can buy some food… I didn't bring any with me."

"Will you be alright?"

She laughed. "I think so." She picked up her bag. "Back soon."

In a silent flat somewhere in Holby, ten minutes later, a phone began to ring. Ed, sighing, pulled himself out of bed, and looked at the display screen. He didn't recognise the number. Nevertheless, he accepted the call.

"Yeah?" he asked, disinterestedly.

"Ed, it's Tom."

"So, you went with Anita, then?" The words were out of Ed's mouth before he had the chance to think. They sounded harsher than he'd intended, and he winced.

"Yes. Yes, I did."

"Why didn't you tell us you were going? I'd have liked to have known, _Diane_ would have liked to have known." He was almost shouting, needing to let his emotions out. But it's so much harder to shout at someone when you know that they are hundreds of miles away. "You're my friend, and you couldn't even tell me that you were moving to America? Do you know how worthless that makes me feel?"

"Don't shout at me, Ed. I didn't know that I was going. It was just a spur of the moment thing. Suddenly I knew that I loved Anita and couldn't live with myself if I let her go."

"If you love Anita so much, then how come you scheduled a date with Diane?" Ed was trying desperately to prove Tom wrong, to work out that this was all a hoax.

"I don't know. I was confused, Ed. Haven't you ever felt like that? I wanted to tell myself that I wasn't in love with Anita, that I'd cope without her. But I couldn't." Tom's voice shook slightly, and he felt embarrassed to be telling Ed this. "Do you know how that feels? Do you know how it feels to love someone so much that you know you couldn't possibly survive without them?"

"No." Even the love Ed had felt for Chrissie, that hadn't been enough to make him want to follow her to the ends of the earth. He was temporarily silenced by this thought. He had never loved anyone like that.

"Then you can't judge." Tom paused. "I didn't ring to argue with you."

"Why did you ring?" Ed was honestly curious.

"I rang… to say that I was sorry. You're right. I should have told you, I should have told Diane. I didn't tell her because… because I didn't want to hurt her." Ed resisted the temptation to tell Tom that it probably hurt Diane more to have Ric tell her that Tom had moved to America with another woman, and Tom continued. "She's a nice girl. She deserves someone better than me, someone who won't run off, who isn't in love with someone else."

"Why didn't you tell me, then?"

"I didn't tell you because…" Tom hesitated, clearing his throat self-consciously. "You're my best friend, Ed. I couldn't tell you. So I took the easy way out."

It wasn't easy, Ed wanted to say. "I'm sorry for shouting… I didn't realise… I was just, I was being selfish."

"That's alright." Tom paused as Anita came back in and started gesturing that he should hang up. "Listen, Ed, I've got to go, this is Anita's phone, I promised her that I wouldn't run up a big bill."

"Alright," Ed replied. "Look, ah, good luck, yeah?"

"You too." Tom wanted to say something more, to tell Ed not to feel sad, not to worry… but he couldn't think of how to put it into words. "I'll call you again sometime."

"Feel better?" Anita asked Tom.

"Hardly. If truth be told, I think I really hurt him." Tom sighed.

Anita put her head on his shoulder and stroked his arm gently. "I'm sorry."

Ed sank back onto his bed and felt somehow worse. Alex and Chrissie had both teased him about being Tom's puppet. Well, what does the puppet do when his strings have been cut?


End file.
